It has been a year since I wrote anything here. I was in a lot of pain last year. It has been an interesting year. Some how she still has some kind of hold on me, but I have managed to lock back up the emotions. I feel bad for her for the situation she has gotten into to.

plans

Prior to last August, I had plans to move somewhere. I had it narrowed down to Reno or Green Bay. My reason for going to Green Bay was kind of stupid because I probably would not have stayed very long. I also am sick of winter in New York so I would probably get sick of winter in Green Bay real quick. I wanted to go to Reno because I know no one that lives there. I know plenty of people that have moved to Vegas and no one moves to Reno. It has the mountains and the desert. August everything changed for me again. I think I need to move more than anything right now. I don't want to move to Reno anymore but I need a change of scenery. This apartment has to many memories. Kristy is everywhere. I have to walk into the mall everyday and I remember Londyn and her coming to suprise me. I don't think I can ever go back to camp. She was here for such a short time but she was such a huge part of my life I need to leave. She only rode in the truck once the last two times she was here so it does not feel tainted and I had it before I meet her. I don't know where to go. It has to have good VZW coverage and they have to be able to transfer. Montana sounds good. Just as far away from NY or MD as possible.

people

Recently I have noticed that there are alot of lonely people out there. Although I am alone I don't feel lonely. I have recently been on three dates with three different women. All three had very different personalities, different lifestyles and wanted different things out of life. The one thing they had in common was their overall desire to be loved.  All had been in a long term relationships at one time in their lives, and were searching hard for that again. Of course none were for me. I feel bad for them. I can not give them what they are looking for. I decided today that I was done dating for a while. It's only been 7 weeks since the x and I broke up, five if you go by the official Facebook breakup. I always thought that God had brought me and her together for a reason. I don't know if that is true anymore. I do know that in mine eyes no one else will ever measure up.

lost

I am tired of being everything to everyone. I just want to be one thing to one person. I have never express emotion. I love my family. There is nothing I would not do for my nieces or nephew. Its just everyone else I have taken advantage of. I have told girls that I love them and I think that maybe at the time I almost meant it. I know that I have only loved one women my whole life. The only one who I did not look over her shoulder to see who the next ex-girlfriend would be. I screwed it up because I was not able to handle the idea of not being free. I realized that the love I had for her was the most free I have ever been. This was on my mind today because friends have tried to set me up with some one new and I look at them and all I can think is "It's not her." It never will be, again. I feel bad for my friends that had real girlfriends who lasted a while. Now I almost think I had it better because I would move on to someone new after a couple of months. I never had that emotional drain. I never had emotions. I have them now and I think they are out for good.

almost old

I will be 34 in a couple of weeks. Its hard to beleive. I still don't eat leaks. I dont play much ping pong. I will be going to Hong Kong. I rock a blackberry, I like raspberrys.